MoreCooler.com: It's more cooler with the thing

Eh, that was way too long, on second thought. If you're even vaguely interested in hearing me rant about an online store that pissed me off, click me.

You pushed my truck post waaaay down the page!!!!

A bit of a rant and a bit of a warning in the following tale of woe. Y'see, in May, around Mother's Day, I ordered a $100 gift certificate from www.olanmills.com. They're a chain of reasonably nice sit-down portrait studios, and she'd been saying she wanted one of all of us (me, my brother, step-siblings) together. Well, I ordered it, they charged my card, and thinking things were hunky-dory, I headed back to SLO.

Well, a few weeks ago, I recalled that I need to be sitting for a portrait some time soon. So I called Mom, and turns out the GC never arrived. They've moved since I ordered it, yes, but that was over a month AFTER I placed the order, and mail was being forwarded.

So I check the website. There is, of course, no order status checker for GCs. So I look for an e-mail or phone # for customer support. There isn't one, but they have a web form (I HATE those things) to submit a problem/request. I use it, fully explaining the problem and providing all relevant numbers and such (I've done this before). A week goes by. No response. I check again with my online banking service to make sure the charge is still there (it is), and I send another message, strongly urging olanmills to respond before I have to call my bank.

Well, a weekend goes by, still no response. So I figure I'll call my bank and dispute the charge. Problem: In the three days since I last checked, the charge has gone past the maximum amount of time Bank of America will remember past charges. So, if they can't find it, they can't refuse it. @#$@#$%.

So, time to find a way to contact olanmills. First, of course, I WHOIS it; it's restricted info. No luck. So, I search their site some more. I run across some corporate info with a little searching, but STILL there's no phone #. Just an "info" e-mail address that I bet is checked less than the webform. Out of curiosity - and with the realization that I have some free time and enough money to buy a baseball bat and a plane ticket - I check the "directions to our office" page. Bingo! At the bottom of the page is a phone number - 423 area code - where I can contact them for better directions to their office.

It's a start. I call the number, and (of course) it's just a computer. No, I don't know my party's extension. But there's an option for "customer service." Woo-hoo! All that does, however, is point me to ANOTHER number. I call it, and it's another computer, with no options to talk to an operator and no options covering problems with online purchases. On a hunch, I dial zero, though it's not listed in the menu - A REAL PERSON ANSWERS! Yay!

So, I explain the problem. She's quite rude, actually, but at this point I'm imagining her head and a Louisville slugger having an intimate conversation, so I'm able to keep my cool. She gruffly informs me that unless I tell her my credit card number (which sets off some alarms in my head) she can't see if I was charged. Apparently, having my name, telephone number, address, date of order, contents of order, and order number isn't enough to prove that I have a legitimate complaint.

Problem is, I've since had my card replaced. I tell her I'll call my bank (she seems nonplussed at the idea, but then again she seemed just generally nonplussed) and find out the previous card number. So I call BoA, and guess what? "According to the LAW" (as the CSR describes it) she can't give me my old, _canceled_ credit card number over the phone. She knows it, yes, but she refuses to hand it over. Even if I provide my current, WORKING number to her, my mother's maiden name, my name, my SSN, my address, whatever. She tells me to look at my account statement, as that has part of the number on it.

So I go get my account statements. Lo and behold, I have ALL of them back to 1999 EXCEPT May 2003. Yes, that's almost certainly my fault, but it just adds to the beauty of the moment. Anyway, I grab the ones before and after May, and look at the card number. It provides the last nine (!?) digits out of 16. Which is odd because, as I finally remember, the only numbers that changed on my new card where the 5th, 6th, and 7th. @#$%@#%.

But an epiphany strikes. I drag my "filing cabinet" (AKA big box with paper stuffed in it I may someday need) out of the closet and start rifling through old receipts, going as far back as Fresh Choice in March, 2000 (yes, I'm a bit of a paperwork packrat), and EUREKA! Campus Express Club requires you to fill out this carbon-copy form to make a deposit, including your CC#, and then they give you a copy. I've got the number.

I call back my secret ninja Olan Mills tech support number, and I'm on hold like five minutes. No big deal, BoA had me on hold longer than that, but my question is: if they don't list this number anywhere on the site, how can there be enough people calling it to require putting me on hold? Anyway, I'm put in touch with a slightly nicer lady who finally (after putting me on hold again to talk at length with her manager) agrees to ship replacement GCs.

She asks if it's OK to send it to the old shipping address. I say no, they've since moved, and listen to the accusing silence on the other line; I coldly assure her that the move occurred long after the gift certificates should have arrived. I ask her to, instead, send it to my billing address, 1276 Laguna. Yes, I know, I'll only be here for a week or two more. But I'll be forwarding my mail, and figure I'm not about to queer the deal by telling her BOTH shipping AND billing addresses are now invalid. Finally, she agrees to send replacements, and all is good. I thank her and hang up.

It's only then I realize: she never asked for my credit card #. O_o;;;

It was an interesting and well-told story. I hope the new ones come... and at least this story didn't involve any walls...

Long things are fine. Matt is just a whiner.

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